Oleg Gadetsky. Writer. Psychologist trainer. Conducts trainings in Russia, Europe, Asia and the USA.
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4 steps to harmonious relationships

One day a woman came to me for a consultation. She was depressed and upset.Recently, she and her husband completely lost their relationship.She complained that he paid little attention to her, giving gifts only on holidays. Not so long ago, on March 8, after drinking a little with friends, he apparently relaxed and presented her with a bouquet of daffodils. According to her, these flowers she could not stand. Seeing the door of a smiling husband, and with this bouquet of daffodils, she made a scandal. Flowers thrown into the trash, and her husband expressed everything that thinks of him.Over the past 10 years, grievances and complaints have accumulated a lot.

Such tense situations occur in every third family. After the conflict, we think that it was necessary to act differently, to keep silence somewhere or vice versa to find out something. I suggest you analyze the example described.see what the error waswomen, and how it was possible to do differently.

Step 1. In communicating with other peopleseparate their external behavior from motives. If you are annoyed by someone's behavior, do not react to it immediately. You may find that it is based on good goals.

What is the mistake of a woman: she did not understand the true motives of her husband. Seeing the unloved daffodils, she thought that he specifically bought them in order to annoy her.

What should have been done:do not make hasty conclusions.Any behavior is born from motives and desires. The desire of her husband was to please his wife. The only thing in which he was mistaken is in the choice of colors.

Step 2. Aimunderstand the motives and desires of another person.They are the foundation of relationships.

What is the mistake of the woman: she made a scandal. I remembered all the accumulated insults.What should have been done: if a woman asked herself the question: “What was my husband thinking when he bought me flowers?”, Unexpectedly for herself, she might find out thathe wanted to give her joy.

Step 3.If the wishes and motives of another person are important to you, support them.If you do this, then the other person will be inclined to communicate with you again and again manifest your desires.

What is the mistake of a woman: with her behavior, reproaches and complaints she has alienated him even more from herself.

What to do: hug him andsay thanksfor flowers.In other words, it was necessary to encourage the behavior of her husband. It is possible that by the next holiday he would give her her favorite flowers.

Step 4.Help another person to adjust the form in which he realizes his desires.

What is the mistake of a woman:making claims and grievances ruins relationships even more. This should not have been done, even if she did not like the flowers.

What should have been done: smile and, as it were, by the way, say about all the colors that she loves. I assure you, he would definitely understand and hear her words.

If she had not made mistakes and did everything right, now she would not need the help of a psychologist. How much of everything beautiful could arise in their relationship.

Responsibility for relationships always lies with us. It is clear that the other person is also guilty of the fact that they crack somewhere. But for us muchIt’s more important to think not about what is to blame for the other, but about what I can do to improve our relationship.

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