How to cope with depression
Husband constantly breaks down on me
5 years in a relationship, small child. After I got pregnant, I began to drift apart, saying that I had to work a lot. As a result, he scored on me at all, was engaged only in himself, was constantly tired, he said that he had nothing to do with it. I used to wait for him, missed him. Now I frankly do not care, even if it changes. Carping at me over trifles, screaming and criticizing. I hate him. I can not leave, not where it is simple. Yes, he does not let go, says he loves. I do not know how to convey my feelings, I have a feeling that he flew into one ear, flew into the other. He gives money only for food and for necessities (such as diapers), if I ask myself to buy something first, and then arrange a scandal for some left-wing reason. He starts yelling at me, I try to keep quiet and leave, but he speaks and speaks, and I can’t stand it anymore and start responding. I can not with such an atmosphere in the family. As soon as the child goes to bed, I close with him in the room and I also sleep, I don't want to wake up. If you have something to say, please help.
Question asked 13.07.2018
The easiest answer, of course, is to leave. And it will be one of the natural and healthy decisions, a healthy reaction to an atmosphere of existence in which “I don't want to wake up”. **** What a person says, I confess here, even a psychologist doesn’t really listen - he looks at what is happening and what a person is doing. This kind of “toxic relationship” test can be said to be “given” for “polishing a diamond” - and this is an alibi that can give strength to carry such an atmosphere. However, it will be good for a child when it is good for parents, and even if they are not together it is better than if “full family”. Because when they are together and they feel bad, it’s not clear where to grow? Grow up to become an adult - in order to send both parents and never again be inside the relationship?
In such a family, the child does not have a healthy family model, so the excuse "it's all in the name of the child" does not work here, is not convincing. *** If you change the situation, while it is not possible, you can give several recommendations for conducting dialogue with toxic people, you can say "how to manipulate manipulators" or "how to neutralize an abuser" - this is unlikely to bring you together, but it will definitely relieve tension (by the way that the author of the question of loving a partner does not write here ...) **** 1.Agree to quibble, say "yes, yes - it is, imagine what a non-consuming I am (...)?", "Yes, my lord" 2. After agreeing, say "yes, and now what?" 3 In the moments of insults in your address, say: “I heard you.” 4. Answer a question with a question, and ask questions, “what will you do with the answer?” *** What you absolutely cannot do in dialogues with toxic people: 1 Justify 2. Explain “to understand.” *** An adult person does things for a reason - which is called “I want it so much” and does not need comprehension. Mature, infantile needs understanding, protection and support - that is why the second is so important that they understand him and ... acquit him "they didn’t scold and hurt," but gave sympathy to love and care. *** To solve this puzzle you need to "quickly “grow up”, for this psychologists conduct their seminars and consultations, in which there are individual tasks aimed specifically at your specific tasks of growing up a personality. And about this my activity: it is about the TENY sides of the personality, about the "not allowed" behavior, in which I see a tremendous resource of the evolution of personality - please contact.
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Dasha, if you do not exaggerate (which is very peculiar to people in a state of resentment and fatigue), then everything is bad with your marriage. It is customary to think that normally, they say, a man is jealous of a child and blah blah blah, has the right to say so. In fact, as a man relates to a child, so he belongs to his woman. Mentally healthy and mature men also experience fatigue and jealousy, but they understand. that a woman after childbirth is difficult, more difficult than they are able to transform their feelings. Give support to the woman. If they start carping, blackmailing, blaming and manipulating (as you described), then we are not an adult man, but an offended child who has lost the attention of “mommy” and is now taking revenge. No matter how much you are offered to surround him with care and give attention, it will not be better. It will always be small (I repeat, if the situation is really so bad, as seen from your description). Here, of course, the details are important. As for what to do - wait. When you are on your feet financially, get stronger and the older child will go to the garden, you can make a decision. If you can accept it now, accept it. If you need help to understand your feelings and to consider the situation in detail, contact the specialists. The key question that will help you understand yourself: Do you want your life to always be like this?
The situation is simple. With the birth of the child, the mother closes in on him, his attention, his strength, time for him, the husband moves aside with his interests and sex. He feels your detachment, is nervous, and if nothing changes, then he goes somewhere and spends time, but not with you, you have cold, fatigue, inattention to him. This is understood by adult men, or rational, but most men have not been explained and taught, but they themselves have not yet reached an understanding of how to treat this and how to behave, for the sake of a child, for the sake of a family, for a relationship, for the sake of the future. Not taught, not told, he did not have time to learn and understand. You were not taught this either, they did not tell you that you need to learn how to divide time and attention between a husband and a child, this is female wisdom. And you should also talk to your husband if you understand these subtleties. If there is no talk about the meaning of this situation and if there is no your actions, the situation will be difficult, and the question is how much strength, wisdom, and patience will everyone have. But these are other issues. It is planned to open an online school - "Women - and relationships with husbands and men."You can ask about it by mail .
Hello Dasha, If you are very concise in the question you described, then there is a possibility that your husband may well be so anxious about the birth of your child with him. When a woman gives birth to a child changes not only she. but also the father of the child. At this time, some previously hidden nature of a man opens due to a very strong stress, and a kind of psychotic process may emerge from which a person will try to leave and close. This is the same natural process as postpartum depression in a woman.